I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I have aggressive nipples.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
