if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Randomize