Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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