chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
