He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Randomize
