I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
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