Her vagina should come with caution tape.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
