i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
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