I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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