i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
