No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
