I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
All I want is dick and wine.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
