Tell her she can't have a vagina
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Randomize
