Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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