so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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