He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
