I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Randomize