Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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