I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
