I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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