there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
