you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
