People with herpes should wear stickers.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
