Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Randomize
