Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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