I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Randomize
