I feel like I'm in dance class right now
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize