So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
