I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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