The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
