why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Randomize