I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
