totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize