yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
