I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
