dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
