she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Randomize