please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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