Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
