A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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