Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
