I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize