My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
