I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
