Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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