I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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