Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Oh and itβs been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! ππππ¬π³π
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