it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
