White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Can you bring me the toilet please
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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