I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
This is classic penis vs brain.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
