There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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