Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
