to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize