when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Randomize
