guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
They have beer where we have blood.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
