How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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