i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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