dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
