Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
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