a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
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