Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Randomize
