Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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