I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Randomize
