her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
