And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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