Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
