Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
