My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
