last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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