Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
a search helicopter?!
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
