I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
