How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
