Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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